Archive for July, 2011

Torn – 24/07/11

24/07/11 – I don’t know why but lately i feel torn in two. It’s really strange but part of me wants to scream at everyone and remove myself from the world and tell everyone where to go and throw things out of anger, frustration and hurt – yet i can’t say exactly where it’s coming from. That’s not good really, coming from a trainee counsellor. The other part of me is desperately crying out for help and not knowing where to turn or who to turn to. Actually it feels as though i have no-one to turn to so this in itself only angers me more.

From training i have been taught to look at the thinking that precedes these feelings and i must say they are negative but hold some truth as i see it. Firstly i feel angry that there is suffering in this world but i accept that it is part of life however that doesn’t make me feel any better. Then i see how others put their pathetic wants before someone elses desperate needs and this angers me yet i have to be understanding and merciful at their lack of maturity and understanding. But i think what angers me the most is that for some time now i have been beating myself up about not loving God and others as i should only to find that the church as a whole is failing to love one-another and yet carries on as if nothing is wrong.

I know this must sound hypocritical and i guess that seems to be the problem for a lot of people in the church. We go around putting on a brave face and saying everything is alright when inside we are desperate for companionship, understanding, love and acceptance. If we do voice it then we are often rejected or seen as needy, lonely people and if we don’t say nothing then we suffer and fail to be loving to others because of resentment and bitterness building up within.

I want to say that Christians all over the place are failing to show God’s love. We are all failing to love each other as we should. And to all you non-Christians out there – don’t expect us to be perfect because at the end of the day we are still human with our own struggles and emotions. Just because we have our Christian faith it does not mean that we are faultless or unable to do things wrong but when we do that does not necessarily make us hypocrites either. Sometimes we can all be hypocrites but many of us are trying to do the right thing.

We all sin, whether we are aware of it or not. Christians and non-Christians alike. So when you read this if you think it is a load of criticism and sounds judgemental what you need to understand is that i am just letting off steam in a very gentle way because i feel so angry at the wrong i see around me. Is that so wrong?

I know that there are many people out there that do have a loving and compassionate heart, i’m just not seeing it at this time.

There is a real danger in the church regarding oppression. All this time i have been viewing those who are oppressed as people with addictions and those trapped in violent relationships, etc. But now i am questioning the tight religious constraints that i myself feel under within the church. I can understand why so many people leave the church environment and yet claim to be devout Christians. We do need fellowship, don’t get me wrong, but within a church setting it can feel somewhat unreal, false at times and i have felt that much more goes on behind the scenes than i’m not┬áseeing or hearing about. This only plants a seed of distrust in me. Of late i am feeling more and more inclined to move on from the church setting with its restrictions and religious rituals and routines.

Anyway that is enough complaining from me for one day. I’m sure i’ve now got a few backs up from writing this but i’m just expressing my thoughts and feelings and would welcome any feedback you have for me.

At the end of the day it’s not about you or me or church but it’s about God’s love for us demonstrated through Jesus Christ. We, the people of the church should be showing this same love for one-another as is God’s command. I include myself in this and urge the people of the church to do this with great urgency and deliberation. It’s not just the lost that need to feel God’s love. It needs to start in the church among the children of God before it can reach those outside. What good are we to others if we are feeling empty and unloved ourselves?


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Apathy …?

Apathy … why? Is it too painful to feel?

Would releasing that anger be such a big deal?

If you cried all those tears and then cried a bit more,

would that make you feel better or leave you feeling raw?


What’s the worst that could happen when you’re facing the pain?

Just a whole lot of truth that you’re facing again.

Yes it hurts and it pains but at least it is real,

no good lying to yourself, not allowing to feel.


And when all’s said and done and you release the pain

and your left feeling empty, just remember his name,

only Jesus can help you, believe me, this is true

he will carry you and your pain as he helps you through.



Please help me through Lord Jesus!


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Trust and see!

I wish you could know him

for he knows all about you,

to experience his love in your heart

and be filled with joy right through.

To have the emptiness filled

and the loneliness disappear,

as you realise your Saviour,

Jesus Christ is near.



To have fears washed away

and his peace dwell within,

to become aware of God

and realise that we sin.

To have the revelation

of what he has done ,

for you he sent

his only begotten Son.



He loves you that much

that he forgives all your sin

but how can he save you

if you don’t believe in him?

Don’t send yourself to hell,

just have a little faith,

believe and you will see

and he will keep you safe!



Don’t close your mind and heart

just because you cannot see,

not everything in life

is visible to you and me.

It’s only when you trust

that God is really there

that he can show how much

he really does care.



So think about our God

who created us all,

His magnificence, His power,

loving us who are so small.

And see yourself for who you are,

through God the truth be known,

Jesus represents God, in man,

he wants to lead you home.



God is love, God is peace,

God is truth, God is just,

God is good, God is real,

you can know him – just trust!



by MandeeJ



Relevant verses:

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” (John 3:16-17)

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