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Archive for April, 2011

16.04.11

Where do i start? I guess with myself as i’m not in control of others but i can work on myself. I am frustrated with the fact that i let fear get in the way of doing the things that i want to do e.g Praising God out loud – singing at the top of my voice and not worrying about what others think; dancing when and where the mood takes me and not caring who is watching; visiting the friend/family member despite the rejection i feel from them and to keep loving them; telling everyone about the love of Jesus and my hope in Him no matter what their beliefs, without being concerned of their reactions; forgiving the person that brutally kills out of anger, when all i can see in my mind is what they’ve done; hearing God without distractions and acting on what he says without hesitation or doubts getting in the way; etc.

So many things get in the way of me doing what i want to or know i should do. It is so frustrating. Also knowing what will help a person and not being able to tell them because it is my faith and there are restrictions on self-disclosure.

I want to be myself and be free to worship whenever and wherever i feel like worshipping God. Yet i can just hear it now – the criticism, the snide remarks, the disapproving comments and the absolute contempt of not just others but those closest to me. Tell me what is wrong here? Am i wrong to not be free to be me in front of whoever? Are they wrong for judging me? Should there be a time and a place for worship? Should it be kept in the church only?

It is a sad fact but i feel so unaccepted by those around me. I know that they would be horrified to see me bow down and worship God – the Living God – who we were made to worship. I feel like such a hypocrite in life, as though i’m living a double-life. One where i am squashed and cautious, careful not to offend because i want to win souls for Christ and the other where i can be myself, knowing that i am loved and accepted by God, despite my failings and shame.

I want to live for Christ – how do i do that in this world? Even other Christians are judgemental and unaccepting, surprisingly the supposedly more mature of them too. It is even more difficult to be me, risking more rejection, when i already feel a certain amount of ostracism just for having faith in Jesus. It’s amazing how many people shun Christianity and yet know very little about Christ or say they are Christians in the way they live when they don’t even believe in Jesus Christ as the Son of God, or what he has done for us.

As you can probably see i am having a good old rant and rave about my feelings and frustrations about life. I am in a complaining mood and feel fed up with the way things are. I also feel very hypocritical right now because i am not feeling much love or acceptance towards the people who are judging me right now – in-fact i need a strong dose of God’s love to get me through this otherwise i’m not going to be much different to anyone else in this world. Now there is a dilemma – do i want to feel accepted by being like many others – unaccepting, judgemental and lacking in love or do i want to be different – free to love God and others, free to forgive those who hurt me and others, free to be me, in Christ, yet cut-off from family and friends. Does it have to be this way?

Lord God i feel very frustrated – i need love, grace, guidance and answers please! I want to be all out for you Lord Jesus, please help me to be free to be the person you want me to be. May i be forgiving and understanding towards others, loving and accepting them as you have me. And may all this be for your glory Lord God. Amen!

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32)

Relevant verses: John 17:16-17; Matt. 6:14; Ecc. 3:1-8; 2 Sam. 6:14-16; John 4:24 & many more.

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